Excuses
by Dolphin River
Summary: [AU] What if Kakashi's excuses for being late weren't just excuses? One morning, Naruto finds this out the hard way. Now officially crack! Female!Naruto, KakaNaru.
1. Bad Day

_A/N: I don't remember where I got this idea, there are a lot of influences, but it was just too good to pass up! In my attempts to create a pairing revolution (Down with SasuNaru monotony!), this will have some KakaNaru, with a (surprise, surprise) female!Naruto. Read and Enjoy!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto._

**Excuses: Chapter 1- Bad Day**

Waking up that morning, Naruto went through her normal routine in order to get ready to meet with the candidates for her very first genin team. Having been a jounin for nearly two years, Tsunade finally decided that the young blonde should have some leadership experience of genin. Having finished her morning ablutions, Naruto tied on her hitai-ate and left.

Little did the blonde know that the day would be anything but normal.

* * *

The first sign she had that something was out of the ordinary came twenty minutes after she had left her apartment. She was walking towards the academy and had been about to cross a major street, when suddenly and unexpectedly, she was blocked by a parade (for what she didn't know, as she didn't know that there would even _be_ a parade today in the first place) that had quite literally appeared out of no where. 

Blinking in surprise and slight confusion, she decided to take an alternate route to the Academy…

…Only to find that every time she picked a different route, every street had been similarly blocked, whether it was by a cart accident (that involved what looked to be twenty or more carts, though Naruto couldn't figure out _how_ that happened) or an angry mob of women protesting the new Icha Icha book outside the bookstore.

And, being the upstanding kunoichi she was, she just had to help those in need.

With one final heave, she righted the last ox cart and waved off the grateful merchant before glancing at her watch. Frowning, she realized that she only had twenty-five minutes to be there if she wanted to be on time; this was especially disconcerting seeing as she had planned to be about an hour early, to meet and catch up with the other prospective jounin sensei.

Sighing, she jumped up on the rooftops, deciding that drastic times called for drastic measures; she had been looking forward to a leisurely walk. Pausing at the edge of the building to look at the street she had just helped clear, she sighed once more before turning in the direction she needed to go- only to nearly stumble off of the roof in surprise as she tried to dodge as a ninja leapt at her.

Thinking quickly, she ducked and rolled to the side, praying fervently that the unknown ninja would accidentally fling themselves off the building. Alas, her prayers were denied when at the last second, the shinobi pulled off an impossible looking pirouette like maneuver, which caused them to turn and face her once more. Naruto couldn't help but stare at the strange looking shinobi as she finally got a good look at him, and when she says strange she means along the levels of Maito Gai.

He had the biggest fish-lips she had _ever_ seen, for Kami's sake!

Shaking her head of her wandering thoughts, she noticed that the unknown nin was from Hidden Stone, though what he was doing running around Konoha was anyone's guess. Shifting her stance, Naruto pulled out a kunai and spoke, "State your name and business. If you refuse, then I'm afraid I'll have to take you into custody in order to be questioned by the Hokage."

"You!" The bizarre man screeched, pointing an accusing finger at the blonde kunoichi.

A bit taken aback, Naruto pointed to herself in confusion, "Me?"

"Yes! You!" he replied even more vehemently, finger quivering in righteous anger.

"Alright," Naruto drawled uneasily. "What about me?" It wasn't uncommon for shinobi to seek out revenge for the death of a family member or loved one, however they usually tried to get even when the targeted shinobi was away from the village. Naruto only prayed that this wasn't the reason he was here, as she couldn't remember killing anyone who looked like the man (and she was reasonably sure she would remember _anyone_ who looked _anything_ like _that_). _Perhaps it was a lover?_ she thought even as it caused her brain to hemorrhage at the horror.

"You!" Fish Lips screamed again, causing Naruto to slouch in exasperation. "It's your fault!"

"What's my fault?" Naruto practically growled, getting fed up with the idiot and his time-wasting. She was about to strangle him!

"You're to blame! Thanks to you, I no longer hold the International Shinobi Record for the most bowls of ramen consumed in one sitting!" he howled.

Naruto nearly face-faulted as she stared at the nutcase in front of her. _That_ was his reason for accosting her? Such a stupid reason? Of course, being Naruto, those questions were not the first things to come out of her mouth in reply: "They actually have an award for _eating ramen_?" she asked in disbelief.

"Yes!" Fish Lips bellowed, before continuing, "Which is why we are going to compete to prove that I am a much more refined, skilled, and capable ramen eater than you!" Again, she received the finger in the face, this time a mere inch from her nose causing her to go cross-eyed. "And once the judges find that I scored higher than any other, and that it will forever be impossible to surpass me in the art of ramen eating, I will be memorialized for all eternity!"

Swatting his hand away, she gave him a look clearly said _'what crack are _you_ on?'_. "What the hell are you talking about? What judges!? There aren't any ramen eating _judges_!"

Fish Lips scoffed at her. "Sure there are!" He faced her trying to give her an intimidating look, though instead he turned out looking more like he was constipated, and said, "The ISR are always watching! _Always._" The last was said in an attempt at a menacing whisper, and Naruto couldn't help but start staring again at the man's close proximity.

…

…Deciding that this ninja was seriously insane, Naruto decided to do the only thing she could currently do. With a quick hand chop, the man crumpled at her feet unconscious and she sent a signal flare for the ANBU to come pick the man up.

Looking at her watch again, she cursed and began to sprint when she realized that she only had two minutes to get to the school.

Iruka was probably having kittens.

Naruto had finally managed to settle on a good pace, that would hopefully get her there in time when yet something more happened…

…she tripped.

A, strangely low, clothing wire caught around her ankle, yanking her right off her feet and she proceeded to tumble haphazardly down the gently slanted roof. She finally managed to regain her footing- just in time for her to watch as her forward momentum pitched her off of the edge of the roof.

_This is ridiculous!_ she shrieked indignantly in her head as she fell head over heels off of the building.

With the wire still tangled around her legs, she had no chance to catch herself, so she braced herself for the painful impact she knew that was going to happen in a split second. Eyes clenched shut, she was surprised when, instead of crashing painfully to the dirt road, she landed unexpectedly gently in someone's arms. Snapping her eyes open, she looked wildly at her rescuer, only to see a single black eyes and wild silver hair.

Blinking in confusion, she asked timidly, "Kakashi-sensei?"

"Yo!" he replied, giving her his patented eye-smile. "It's nice of you to drop in and visit, Naruto."

Snorting at the man she responded, "That was a horrible pun, sensei." Pulling out a kunai, she cut the wire off of her legs before getting Kakashi to put her down. "Thanks for catching me, though. That would have hurt just a bit."

"No problem," he said, pulling out a familiar orange book. "So where are you headed in such a hurry?" he asked absentmindedly, turning a page in his book.

Completely forgotten in her traumatic tumble off of a five story building, she stared at Kakashi in confusion before remembering that she had to be at the academy!

"Ah!" she yelled, "That's right! I need to be at the Academy, for team assignments!"

"If you are going to the Academy, why are you here?" Kakashi asked quizzically, "The Academy is on the other side of town."

Realizing that that was indeed true, and wondering how she ended up in the opposite direction from which she had been traveling, Naruto cursed before turning to run off. "Sorry, sensei! I have to go!" she called back to him.

She was preparing to leap onto the building, when suddenly the upper story exploded, showering the street with glass and debris. Naruto gaped in astonished disbelief at the scene.

"Hmmm," came the nonchalant pondering from behind her, "that's unusual…"

Naruto turned around the see her silver-haired sensei, however he was not staring at the burning building but his youngest student. Naruto cocked an eyebrow at the strange look he was giving her. When he didn't respond to her silent prodding, she groaned and faced the chaotic scene once more. She felt like crying when she realized that no shinobi were showing up to help, which was _highly_ out of the ordinary.

A hand clamped down on her shoulder, and she turned to face the silver-haired jounin. "Maa, looks like it's up to us, Naruto." he said in amusement when he saw the pleading look on her face.

"Sensei, can't you-" she began, but was cut off by Kakashi.

"You're already late, Naruto. A few more minutes isn't going to hurt, especially if it's spent saving a life." Kakashi admonished gently. Then he gave her another eye-smile and chirped, "Let's go!"

* * *

It took them a total of ten minutes to find everyone, and all of the people were more or less unharmed, though there were a few minor burns. Then using some mid-level water jutsu they put out the flames, which took another fifteen minutes. 

Now, Naruto trudged disconsolately down the street next to Kakashi, who was occasionally giggling perversely as he read his book. Suddenly, a call from up ahead caught their attention. Kurenai and Asuma were standing outside a tea shop and appeared to be greatly aggravated and impatient.

"Kakashi!" Kurenai called in exasperation, "we've been waiting for you for two hours!"

"Maa, sorry," Kakashi began, "but you see this building exploded and I-"

Naruto nearly choked on her tongue- causing Kakashi to give her an amused look- as Kurenai cut the man off, "I'm not in the mood for your ridiculous excuses, Kakashi! Just get in here and sit down."

"Hai, hai, just calm down, Kurenai." He placated her, then turned to his former student. "Well, this is my stop, Naruto. I'll see you later!"

"Yeah, bye sensei." Naruto returned dully, causing the older man to laugh good-naturedly at her.

She slouched off once more in the direction of the Academy, dreading what else was to come that day.

* * *

When Naruto finally arrived at the academy, three hours after she was originally supposed to be there, she was practically frothing at the mouth and her right hand was twitching spasmodically to some unknown tune. 

Not five minutes after she had left Kakashi, she had been forced to chase down a purse snatcher, which was then followed by an old lady who needed her to carry her bag for her(1), making her end up on the other side of town from the academy _again_. Lastly, this was followed by a man who ambushed Naruto just a block away from academy, declaring his undying love for her in thirteen different languages, before he threw her over his shoulder and tried to run off with her.

It took her twenty minutes to scare the man off.

Needless to say, Naruto was cranky.

She stepped through the classroom door, not even bothering to dodge the chalkboard eraser as it fell on her head.

"You're team 9?" she deadpanned, ignoring the apologies posed by the students and when they nodded, she replied, "My first impression is… I don't like you!"

When she saw the horrified looks on their faces, she felt some of her spirit return, and thus it was she realized part of the reason why Kakashi was such a bastard during introductions.

* * *

"Naruto!" someone called. 

The aforementioned blonde flinched at the angry tone in the voice calling her name, feeling her sadistic high rapidly plummeting.

"Naruto, where were you this morning!?" the irate chuunin asked as he stomped up to the blonde jounin. He was scowling fiercely, but the look was wiped off of his face when the blonde turned and gave him a slightly demented deer-in-headlights look, one eye slightly squinted while the other bugged out. One elegant blonde eyebrow was twitching erratically at the memory of her hellish morning. "Naruto, are you alright?" he asked in concern.

His voice broke her out of her momentary brooding, causing her to drop the expression off of her face. She sighed tiredly and replied, "Yeah, I'm fine Iruka-sensei. Just had a _long _morning; things kept coming up on my way to the academy." She smiled apologetically at her father figure.

"Things? What kinds of 'things'?" Iruka asked as he walked next to her while they headed to the ramen bar.

She gave him a tiredly amused look, "I don't think you'd believe me, even if I told you."

Iruka smirked at her, "Try me."

Naruto sighed, and after getting him to swear that he would hear her out completely, she proceeded to tell him about her morning over a few bowls of ramen. At the end of her narrative, Iruka was giving her a strange look.

"That's- a little hard to believe, Naruto" Iruka began delicately.

"I know!" the blonde wailed, burrowing her head into her arms which were folded on the counter. Iruka proceeded to awkwardly comfort the blonde over her fantastically stressful day.

"Naruto… perhaps you should go home and get some rest. You've obviously had a bad day, and you could use the relaxation. I'll pay for your ramen." Iruka prodded the blonde jounin gently, who took a deep breath and nodded her head where it was still resting on her arms, then let out a sigh.

"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Thanks, Iruka-sensei." Naruto replied, sliding tiredly off of her stool. She waved lethargically to the brown-haired chuunin, before trudging off towards her apartment.

* * *

Naruto had gotten home, crawled into her pajamas, and then immediately collapsed into her bed. Forcibly pushing all thoughts of that day out of her head, she managed to sink into a deep slumber.

She had been sleeping contentedly for several hours, when a sudden presence in her apartment woke her. Keeping herself relaxed as to not warn the presence that she was awake, she slowly reached under her pillow for the kunai she kept there. As soon as her hand wrapped around the blade's handle, she leapt out of her bed towards the intruder.

Unfortunately, the sheets of her bed tangled around her legs, causing her to fall flat on her face and for the kunai she was holding to go skittering across the floor.

Cursing fluently inside her head with words that would make a sailor blush and a saint have an apoplectic fit, she brought her gaze up to face the man whose sandaled feet she had almost kissed on her way to the floor.

Seeing the horrific sight of the man leering down at her, her heart stopped for a moment, before she let out a blood curdling scream.

* * *

_A/N: -cackles evilly- Poor Naruto! I've put her through so much and this is just the beginning! Hope you all enjoyed it, and let me know what you think! Should I continue? Review!_

(1) Obito uses this excuse in Kakashi's Gaiden.


	2. The Curse

_A/N: -hums happily- Oh my god! It's an update! And within a month too! Seven and a half pages of ridiculous goodness, which is a little bit more than I had originally planned._

_Anyway, I would like to thank everyone who reviewed! It's thanks to all of the lovely reviews that you guys left that I was able to get this out so soon. Seriously, you all spurred me on when I was less than inspired… I tried to reply to everyone that I could, and if I didn't or couldn't I wanted to thank you all here! There were so many! It was just...wow!  
_

_**Warnings:**Also, I would like to point out now that this story is rated **M** for a reason, as there -_will-_ be perverted/adult humor, adult language, and adult situations. Nothing too explicit since I can't write romance (which you'll have to bear with me about), but I thought I should put that out there._

_I don't know what to say about this chapter except that I hope you like it!_

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, the anime/manga is © Masashi Kishimoto.

_'blah'_-thoughts

_blah_- writing

"blah"- speech

_**'blah'**_- Kyuubi

* * *

**Excuses: Chapter 2: The Curse**

Leaning over her, moonlight casting menacing shadows over it's visage, was the freakiest sight Naruto had ever seen; and with her being a shinobi, that's saying something. The down right sadistic grin that was on it's face would strike fear even into the heart of Orochimaru, legendary sadist and pedophile.

It was a shinobi clown.(1)

Letting out another scream, Naruto tried to scramble away from the thing, only to have the sheets catch on her legs once more. She reached wildly for the kunai she could see a few feet in front of her on the floor, hands scrabbling for purchase on the wood floor so that she could drag herself those few precious inches in order to grab the weapon.

Suddenly, her body jerked away from the kunai, and she looked toward her feet, to see that the clown had seized the end of the sheets and was using it as leverage to pull her towards it. A renewed burst of adrenaline sped through her body at the sight, and with a desperate lunge she managed to snatch up the kunai and began attacking the entrapping material.

With a ripping noise, the sheets tore open setting Naruto loose. She immediately leapt to her feet, bolting for the door in order to escape from the monster from hell. Wrenching the door open, she only had a split second to realize that there was another of the things on the other side before she was sprayed in the face with an unknown substance.

Almost instantly, she felt light-headed and her body went numb. As she collapsed on the floor, blackness creeping into her vision and the monsters' malicious giggles ringing in her ears, she only had one thought: '_Why me?'_

* * *

Kakashi cursed under his breath for the twentieth time in an hour. He stood on top of the tallest building in the area, scanning his surroundings for the little rats that had stolen his _Icha Icha Paradise_ collection. Toward the eastern horizon, the sky was starting to lighten up with the advent of dawn.

Abruptly, the sound of laughter reached his ears, and in the near dead silence of early morning, it was rather out of place. Cocking his head slightly, he tried to determine which direction the sound was coming from.

Turning to the source of the sound to his left, he looked just in time to see a few indistinct figures slip into an alley between two houses. Kakashi frowned and followed the shapes carefully. When he peered down into the alleyway, he saw the figures were dumping a body into a canvas sack. His frown deepened at the obvious sight of the kidnapping, and he reached for a kunai in his holster. He jerked in surprise, however, when what illumination that made it into the alley from a streetlamp flashed off of golden blonde hair.

'_Naruto!?'_

Deciding to intervene, he was just about to drop in and 'wreck the party,' when suddenly three heavily painted faces snapped in his direction; wicked grins with sharp teeth glinted in a mockingly Gai-like manner at him. _Ah, shit._

Kakashi's stomach dropped out as he recognized the clowns. Though he had never come across them himself before, they were renowned among those who bore The Curse as terrors and were spoken of in whispers filled with the deepest loathing and greatest fear. If Naruto hadn't been in their clutches, Kakashi would have turned tail and fled right then and there.

Unfortunately, Naruto _was_ in their possession, and Kakashi couldn't in good conscience leave her in that state. Who knows what they would have done to her otherwise… He shuddered at the thought of Naruto possibly becoming one of them, and blocked the remaining ideas from his mind.

Steeling his nerves, he vaulted into the alley, ready to take them out- when he slipped on a banana peel on landing. Letting out a string of curses, he wobbled unsteadily for a moment trying to remain standing.(2) Regaining his footing, he looked just in time to see the last clown disappear around the corner, pausing briefly enough to give Kakashi a raspberry and the finger.

'_They _did not_ just do that,' _Kakashi thought, highly insulted. '_Oh, they are _so_ going down!'_

He leapt once more on to the rooftops, searching for the little circus freaks. Spotting them two blocks away, headed east, Kakashi paused long enough to summon his nin-dogs and send them after the clowns.

The _hunt_ was _on_.

* * *

Kakashi was panting slightly as he continued to chase the circus sideshow. By now, the sun was well into the sky, signifying that it was around mid-morning. His muscles were aching from the daredevil stunts he had been forced to pull, in order to avoid the numerous prank-like traps that the fiends had laid out for him and his nin-dogs; not that they came out completely unscathed, which only added to the pain.

Kakashi's right hand and lower right leg were covered in bright yellow paint, and his visible eye was sporting quite the shiner from a spring-loaded boxing glove. He was also covered in glitter and confetti from head to toe.

Pakkun was currently running around in a powdered wig, sporting a penciled in handle-bar mustache and bright red lipstick, and was only capable of speaking in French.

Luckily, the clowns hadn't tried to leave the village.

Abruptly, the clowns stopped and turned to face the silver-haired jounin. Kakashi paused as well, watching the menaces warily while anticipating some kind of new trick as they communicated in bursts of giddy giggles and menacing snickers. But, just as it looked like they were going to act on their current idea, one of them suddenly looked like he had been hit with something as he crumpled to the ground. All present looked toward the direction from which the invisible blow had seemed to come, and spotted… a _shinobi mime_?(3)

The remaining two clowns began to hiss viciously at the intruder as Kakashi looked on, dumb-founded at the obvious hostility between the two groups. The mime made a rude gesture, his features bespoke only the utmost disdain for the colorful clowns. It was obvious that the clowns wouldn't take that lying down, because they abandoned the sack that contained Naruto and lunged at the silent, monochromatic man.

Kakashi observed the spectacle of the two groups of entertainers battling it out for several minutes, before realizing that he and Naruto had been completely forgotten. With a cat-like grace, so as not to draw the adversaries' attention, he stalked over to the bag and quickly snatched it up, before using shunshin to _get the hell out of there_.

* * *

He arrived somewhere in the forest, where he dumped the bag before using a kunai to cut it open and release it's 'prize'. Naruto groaned as she rolled out, but didn't awaken. Frowning slightly, Kakashi checked her vitals to see if there was any lasting damage from whatever the clowns had done to render her unconscious. Luckily, everything seemed to be fine, and all he would have to do was wait for her to wake up…

…or wake her up himself.

With a devilish smile on his face, he pulled a canteen of water out of his back pouch, and with a quick flick of his wrist, uncapped it. Crouching over the unconscious blonde, he briefly upturned the canteen over her face, splashing her with a good dose of cool water.

The blonde jounin sat up with a great gasp, head nearly colliding with her sensei's. Frantically, she looked around for the nightmares that she had seen last, before she had been sedated. Not seeing anyone but her jounin-sensei around, she let out a great sigh and buried her head in her hands.

"Good morning, Naruto!" Kakashi greeted cheerfully, causing her to groan into her palms.

"Morning, sensei," she managed to reply, already feeling the grumpiness from yesterday returning. "How did we get here?" Naruto asked, referring to their current position in the forest.

"Well, I just managed to get you back from the clowns that kidnapped you, after I chased them around for several hours." The elite jounin replied a bit more seriously. "By the way, how did they capture you?" Kakashi noticed for the first time that the blonde was wearing nothing but her pajamas, so obviously she had been caught while at home. The perverted jounin couldn't help but ogle her a bit, since she apparently wasn't wearing a bra under the spaghetti strap shirt and the (orange) lounge pants hung a little low on her hips. Naruto, he noted, had definitely grown up from the time when she had been an obnoxious little pipsqueak genin.

Naruto sighed again, oblivious to the Hatake's stares as she still had her face covered. "They snuck into my apartment while I was sleeping this morning, and caught me off guard when I tried to attack." It was only a partial lie, since he didn't need to know that she had tried to run. She didn't want him to think of her as if she was afraid of clowns -which she _was_-, but again he didn't need to know that.

"Maa, well, it looks to me like you've got The Curse." Kakashi said, standing up from where he was crouched, looking down on the petit blonde.

Said blonde peeked one eye between two of her fingers, and tilted her head back so that she could look up at him. "'The Curse'?" she inquired warily.

Kakashi nodded, offering Naruto a hand up, which she took a bit lethargically. When she was on her feet, he explained, "The Curse only strikes about one person in every shinobi village. It's a bit of a 'bad luck' curse but it's slightly different. For one, while you will have incredibly bad luck in everyday life, you will never be seriously injured while under its influence, nor will it occur outside of the village or during missions. Also, it never acts up while the one affected by it is around people who do not have the curse, but it flares up when someone has an appointment to be somewhere, always making them chronically late." He tilted his head at her quizzically, "Though I wonder how you got it, since I'm currently the one who has it, and it's usually only passed on to someone close to a person, after the current bearer of the curse dies."

Pinching the bridge of her nose, Naruto groaned, "Great." She turned to him to give him an almost pleading look, but paused with a blink when she finally took in his rather…disheveled appearance. "Kami! What happened to you?"

He gave her a forgiving look before replying, "Shinobi clowns are a Curse bearers worst nightmare, Naruto. They essentially send The Curse into overdrive with their mere presence, making it twenty times worse. From what I've heard, you and I got off easy."

Naruto gave him a squinty eyed look, as if somewhat disbelieving of what he said, but just sighed as if deciding not to say anything at all. Planting her hands on her hips she tilted her head back and squinted at the sun, trying to determine the time of day from its position. Kakashi forced himself to look away as she posed.

Suddenly, she gasped. Kakashi snapped his head back toward her at the sound and found her staring at him, open-mouthed and pale.

"What is it?" he asked, confused.

"I have to go!" she replied, starting to twist around wildly as she determined the direction in which she had to go. She took a step eastward toward the memorial, when she stepped on a twig and realized that she was bare foot and in her pajamas. "Shit! I don't have time to get changed!"

"Where are you going?" Kakashi queried.

"I need to give my assigned genin the bell test… but I can't go like this! They'll never take me seriously!" Naruto whined.

Clamping his hands down on her shoulders, Kakashi leaned forward and looked her straight in the eye. "Naruto," he began, "you could use this as a chance to teach them a lesson. Like to be prepared for every eventuality or never to underestimate your opponent. It wouldn't be difficult to beat them, even as you are."

"But-" Naruto stuttered, but Kakashi cut her off.

"Nope!" he replied gleefully. "You said yourself that you didn't have time! You need to go meet the genin!" With that, he spun her around and marched her to the edge of the clearing with the memorial, before giving her a small push that sent her past the tree line and into view of the genin. "Good luck!" he called over the shouts of 'You're late!'.

When Naruto got her hands on him after this, Kakashi was going to be a very unhappy puppy.

* * *

Naruto sighed as she left the clearing. Even with her at an obvious disadvantage, the ex-prospective-genin hadn't been able to beat her. And you'd think they would have since, if someone were to show a weakness, most people would have ganged up together to exploit it.

That was not the case, however, and Naruto was sorely disappointed. But she decided not to dwell on that, as she had more worthy pursuits on her mind-

Revenge.

She headed back to her apartment, dodging the random tackle that the love-struck man from yesterday tried to give her, while being followed home by a gaggle of ducklings…(4)

Really, it's not her fault she passed through the park just as they had hatched.

Reaching her apartment, Naruto scooped up the fuzzy little waterfowl and dumped them in her bathtub while she hopped in the shower. The ducklings made small squeaking noises as they splashed about in the warm water by her feet, while she rinsed off any clown cooties and dirt that stuck to her skin.

When she was done, she wrapped herself in a fluffy towel before doing the same to the hatchlings. Dropping the wet wriggling bundle on her bed, she got dressed and ready to leave again. Carefully collecting the tiny birds, who had scattered themselves as she readied herself, she lined a box with the wet towel and deposited them in it, before picking it up and taking it with her.

It was time to find a certain silver-haired pervert.

* * *

After he had left the blonde to her misery at the hands of the genin-wannabes, Kakashi cleaned himself up and decided to resume his search for the little gremlins that had stolen his _Icha Icha Paradise _collection. He figured that he would be able to take out his frustration left-over from the clowns on them.

He had managed to find most of the little ankle-biters, and surmised that there would only about one or two left.

Kakashi had been standing on the railing of a bridge over the river, when unexpectedly, he sensed a trace of shuriken flying at him, and did the smart thing to do- he dodged. Landing on the water of the river, he looked up to see Naruto standing on the water with a pissed look on her face holding a box.

"_Sensei_," she growled ominously in greeting.

"N-Naruto," he stuttered uncharacteristically. "W-what brings you here?"

"I have a question," she replied menacingly, still glaring heatedly at him.

"What is it?" he asked a little more calmly.

Suddenly, she sighed a gave him a tired look, which confused him. "Do you know how take care of ducks?" she questioned.

Feeling rather startled at the question that seemed to come from left field, he replied eloquently, "What?"

"Do you know how to take care of a duck?" she responded, repeating the question slowly as if he were a bit dim.

Kakashi blinked a bit before replying, "Um, no, I don't. Why do you ask?"

Naruto sighed again before holding the box out to him. He peered inside and saw four or five little hatchlings curled up in the bottom, sleeping. "They followed me home from the test." Naruto explained when he looked at her quizzically. "Must have seen me right after they hatched, and thought that I was their mother."

Blinking again, Kakashi stared at the blonde for a moment, before giving her a large eye smile and saying, "Awww, little Naruto-chan's a mommy!"

"Shut up!" she replied petulantly with an angry flush, giving him any icy glare. "Do you know anybody who could help or not?"

He reached a hand into the box and ran a finger gently over the soft down of the little ducklings. For a moment, Kakashi marveled at the tiny creatures, so innocent and full of life, before he turned his train of thought back to Naruto's question. "Hmmm, I'm not sure. You could probably go to the Inuzaka's vet clinic… or, I know that Gai is actually pretty good with animals, so he might know…" he mused out loud, not noticing the strained look that Naruto was giving him at the mention of Gai.

Abruptly, Naruto staggered forward as something collided with her legs. Both jounin looked down to see a short, floating figure grinning up at them with an array of needle sharp teeth.

It was a gremlin.

It was the gremlin that held the last two books of Kakashi's collection.

With a speed that had never before been displayed by man, or even a ninja, Kakashi launched himself forward and snatched his books back from the little shit. Then he it up by the scruff of its neck and with all the strength he could muster, punted it into the forest.

All of this happened before Naruto could even blink, so as she watched the vexing cretin sail away through the air, she couldn't help but give a low whistle.

Kakashi had gotten great air-time.

Turning back to her sensei, she saw the man gently caressing the books as if they were some long-lost child, cooing at them before safely stowing them in his back pouch with the others.

But Naruto couldn't say she was surprised; one must never get between Kakashi and his dirty novels.

When that little episode was over, Kakashi looked back at her and she gave him a scrutinizing look. Then, before he could step out of reach -which was rather ridiculous considering his latest stunt-, Naruto had grabbed a hold of Kakashi's sleeve and begun to drag him behind her. "Come on, you're coming with me."

"B-but," he stuttered again, before she cut him off.

"No," she replied with a darkly quelling look at him. "You're still not off the hook with that little stunt you pulled on me with the genin this morning. So, you _will-_" punctuate with another dark look, "-be coming with me."

Heaving a great, put-upon sigh, Kakashi said, "Alright."

However, before they could get very far, bubbles began to appear in the water a few feet away. With a rising dread, they glanced nervously at each other. Suddenly, with a great rising crash, water shot into the air and both stared at what lied within in horror. It was headed straight toward them, and they both muttered a short, vehement, "_Oh shit_," before-

_Splash!_

And they were gone.

* * *

_Closing A/N: -grins- Does anyone realize that I'm doing the cliffhangers on purpose? It's like in the anime! Just when it gets to a juicy spot, they leave you hanging! I think Kakashi and Naruto seemed a little more like an old couple in that last bit... But tell me what you think and give my muse some fodder and please REVIEW!_

(1) This was inspired by _A Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu;_ chapter 4, by Kaori. Also, it was this scene, which was inspired by Letta's _Drabble Funk;_ chapter 11, that made me think of this story.

(2)Kakshi has lived with the curse longer, so he doesn't fall like Naruto does.

(3)I have no clue where the mime came from...

(4)Same as number three, the ducks just came from nowhere! Though there is probably some influence from Letta's _A Friendship Story_, which is in my favorites. Seriously, most of this stuff is made up on the spot as it is written. There is a premise of a basic plot, but other than that... So if you want to see something, plant it into my subconscious by leaving it in a review. -winkwinknudge-


	3. Jonah?

_A/N: Finally! I've finished this chapter! I wanted to get this out two weeks ago, but it was the middle of my first run of exams, so I was rather busy. But you have it now! The ending of this chapter isn't quite as funny as usual, because I'm not really in the mood, but hopefully it'll pick up next chapter! Until then, enjoy!_

_**Notices**: Also, I would like to notify you all that I drew a female!Naruto pic for you guys, and I have a link to it at the bottom of my profile! Go check it out!  
_

* * *

**Excuses: Chapter 3: Jonah?**

Naruto and Kakashi's newest environ was wet. And hot. And did Naruto mention smelly, because due to the strong stench of bad fish, it most certainly was that. It was also pitch black and… it moved. The whole place dipped and swelled with a gentle rocking motion, and it would have been soothing had she and Kakashi not been where they currently were.

However, Naruto was barely taking these things in. She was still in shock. She and Kakashi were currently sitting side by side, slumped together, against the wall of their rather…unconventional prison. Kakashi had been humming some tune for half an hour, but the younger jounin only paid the man half an ear. In an attempt to break the blonde out of her shock, Naruto's brain decided to take a head count. So, lifting her hand, Naruto began to feel out the contents of box she was still holding.

Duck, duck, duck, goo- no, wait, that one was a duck too… She was leaning on the goose.(1)

Finding, with a small amount of satisfaction, that no one was missing, Naruto finally felt the need to turn to the problem at hand. So, of course, she thought only fair to defer judgment to someone wiser in these matters.

"Sensei?" she began.

Kakashi stopped humming and replied with a noncommittal, "Hmmm?"

"You wouldn't happen to have an idea as to how to get out of here, would you?" she queried cautiously, afraid of getting her hopes up.

"Maa, nope," the silver-haired man replied lazily.

"What?" Naruto croaked in despair.

"Now, now, Naruto, this really isn't that bad-" Kakashi tried to placate the blonde, but was unable to finish as the blonde grabbed the front of his vest and dragged him forward and the blonde began to rant angrily at him.

"Not that bad? _Not that bad!?_" she questioned in a continually rising pitch, making him wince at the tone. "Sensei, we've been _eaten by a whale!_"

"Does that mean we should call each other Jonah?" Kakashi quipped back light-heartedly.

"You- you-," the blonde stuttered in anger.

"Relax, Naruto," Kakashi soothed. "It's not unusual for people to be eaten by whales."

"It is when it happens in the middle of a land-locked village!" Naruto screeched.

Kakashi flinched at her tone again, sticking a finger in his ear to get rid of the ringing. "Well, it's not like there is much that we can to right now, anyway. If I'm right in deducing that this is curse related, then we're pretty much guaranteed to get out unscathed. We just have to wait it out." Kakashi reasoned with the blonde jounin.

With a huff, Naruto let go of the other jounin and slumped back against the 'wall', crossing her arms in annoyance. "Oh, so I suppose that while we wait, you're just going to read your dirty little books, hmmm?"

"Naruto," Kakashi began sagely, "a wise man once said, 'Outside of a whale, a book is a man's best friend.'"

Naruto tried the give the man a strange look, but considering that they couldn't see each other, it was pretty useless. "Yeah, so?"

"Well," the silver-haired man continued, "he finished by saying, 'Inside a whale, it's too dark to read.' That's pretty deep Naruto, you should keep that in mind."

"That's bullshit, baka-sensei! The person who said that had been talking about lions!" Naruto replied heatedly.

"So I tweaked it a bit." Kakashi replied with a careless shrug. "I felt a whale applied to our situation more."

The blonde slapped a hand to her forehead and groaned. "That doesn't change the fact that you could use a flashlight."

"Mmm, nope. We should conserve our chakra for emergencies, instead of using it up in order to power one for several hours." He responded flippantly.(2)

Naruto sighed, resisting the urge to groan again, and decided to zone out. There was no reasoning with the man.

Sometime after Naruto's verdict to let go of her contact with reality, the lulling pitch and bob of the swimming whale began to reach her and her eyes began to droop. Before she realized it, her head had dropped onto the other jounin's shoulder and she was out like a light.

* * *

_Drip._

Something wet hit her face and her eyes began to flutter open.

_Drip._

Another drop hit her face and she furrowed her brows in irritation.

_Drip. Drip._

Alright, whoever was bothering her sleep was going to get it if they don't st-

_Splat!_

Naruto bolted upright with a horrifying scream as a large glob of _something_ landed on her head.

Kakashi, who had dozed off sometime after the blonde, was up like a shot at her scream. Even the little fledglings were startled awake.

Hearing the Uzumaki's moans of disgust, he set out to figure what had happened as he still couldn't see in the pitch black. "Naruto," he tried to get her attention, "Naruto!"

In her current predicament, the younger jounin didn't hear the silver-haired man as he called her name. Instead, she was wailing (pun) at her misfortune. "Oh! This is so gross!"

"Naruto!" Kakashi said again loudly, while he grabbed her shoulder which was still pressed against his side.

"What!?" She turned on him irritably, trying to keep _whatever _it was that was on her face from getting in her eyes.

"What happened? Why did you scream?" Kakashi asked aggravated as he shook her slightly.

"A big blob of some shit just landed on my head!" she replied, wiping some of the goop off of her face. "Ew, it's in my hair!" she grumped.

"Well, hold still and let me check it out," the silver-haired man responded, as he blindly reached out the hand that wasn't holding on to the blonde's shoulder. His fingers made contact with the younger shinobi's face for only a moment before she recoiled sharply.

"Shit!" Naruto cursed, clamping a hand to her throbbing eye. "You just poked me in the eye!"

"I'm sorry," the older man replied sincerely, letting Naruto stew angrily for a few minutes while the sting in her eye went down.

Actually, he wasn't surprised that her temper was starting to get the better of her, after everything she had been put through the last couple of days, considering she was new to The Curse and all. Kakashi _was_ surprised that she was lasting so long before she stressed out, though he supposed she was used to things in her life going down the crapper. Kami knows he hadn't lasted much longer than this when he first got The Curse.

When he had deemed her safe enough to approach once more, he reached his hand out once more, this time aiming lower and coming into contact with her chin. Gently moving his fingers up her face, he could feel some substance on the side of her face. It was slightly sticky, like some kind of paste that had been thinned enough to run.

Swiping a small bit off and bringing it to his nose, he sniffed it gingerly. Whatever it was smelled familiar and…delicious? Making up his mind, he pulled down his mask and stuck his finger in his mouth. The brief taste he got was almost enough to confirm his suspicions, but he needed another sample to be completely sure.

Suddenly, a devious thought burst into his mind and he couldn't stop the wicked grin from spreading across his face.

"Hey, Naruto," he spoke to the brooding blonde for the first time in a few minutes. "I think I know what's on your face."

"Well, what is it?" she snapped, glaring blindly into the gloom.

"Unfortunately, I'm not entirely positive, so I need you to hold still for a minute." he replied as he once again reached out and found her face.

"Alright," she huffed, "but make sure you-"

What happened next caused the blonde's thoughts to come to a screeching train wreck as her brain completely obliterated itself and her eyes nearly popped out of her skull.

Kakashi leaned back, smacking his lips together thoughtfully, now completely sure of what the mysterious substance was. "Well, I've figured out what the gunk is."

"D-duh?" Naruto stuttered dumbly, mind still trying to piece itself back together.

"At least it's not anything harmful, though I'm wondering where it came from…," the man continued blithely, pulling up his mask.

"S-sen-sensei," she stammered, the first mostly coherent thing she had said in five minutes.

"Yes, Naruto?" Kakashi asked innocently.

"D-did you just_ lick_ _me_?" Naruto managed to force out, indignation finally rearing its ugly head.

"Truly, now, Naruto, is it really such a bad thing?" the silver-haired jounin asked mischievously.

The blonde jounin only deigned to respond with a deep growl.

"Alright, alright, I won't do it again," the older man placated, "unless you ask me to," he finished with a wide grin, that, thankfully for him, the blonde couldn't see.

Naruto had an affronted expression on her face. "Like I would _ever_ ask you to!" she replied indignantly.

"Hey, hey, don't knock it until you try it," Kakashi pouted. Then he straightened up once more and said, "As for what is on your face -it's tofu."

"Tofu?" the petite blonde asked quizzically.

"Yes."

"B-but where the hell did _tofu_ come from?" Naruto was starting to get a headache. "Did the stupid whale eat a tofu vendor or something?"

Now that he thought about it, Kakashi could hear little splatters all around the small cavern they were in, so he pulled out his flashlight. He lit it up, causing both shinobi to recoil and hiss in pain at the brightness, and shined the light around the oral cavity that the two were currently occupying. As the light passed over the walls of the cavern, Kakashi saw something that he could hardly believe.

"Kami-sama," he murmured, looking around much more quickly.

"What is it?" the sticky blonde asked, her curiosity dulling the edge of her anger.

"The whale," the silver-haired man breathed, "is made out of the tofu."

Naruto froze.

Lifting up his hitai-ate, Kakashi used his sharingan to glance around them, and came to a conclusion. "It seems to be a jutsu construct of some sort, but now the chakra used to create it is almost used up, so it's starting to fall apart."

"So," the blonde began, "you're telling me that _we_ were _eaten_ by a _whale_ made of _tofu_?"

"That's about right," Kakashi confirmed.

"Well," Naruto huffed, "there's a blow to vegetarians everywhere."(3)

"What do you mean?" he asked confusedly.

"Just think about it," Naruto replied, "vegetarians eat tofu sometimes as a meat substitute, right? Well, if a construct made of tofu eats people, doesn't that defeat the purpose?" Kakashi sighed, resisting the urge to groan and slap his forehead. "And now that I think about it, the shape of the people-eating tofu whale is rather ironic. I mean, the people who are all 'Save the Whales!' are usually vegetarians, aren't they?"(4)

"Naruto," Kakashi cut in, "don't try to think this over. Your logic makes no sense."

The blonde pouted at his rebuke, and stared sulkily up at him. "Fine, so what are we going to do?"

"Stop brooding, Naruto, you might turn into Sasuke," Kakashi joked, before responding more seriously, "Considering the whale is starting to fall apart, I would suggest that we find a weak spot and break through and swim our way to the surface."

The blonde nodded as she thought over the plan. Considering as ninja they were trained to hold their breaths for extraordinary lengths of time, nothing too bad could go wrong- as long as they weren't thousands of feet underwater in the ocean, where they would be crushed by the pressure of water bearing down on them. Which was a bit of a disheartening thought.

She decided to vocalize her worries.

Kakashi waved them off as he replied, "Chances are very unlikely that we are that deep; since the whale is made of tofu, we probably would have been crushed long ago if that were the case."

So they searched for an appropriate weak point, which they found where a real whale's tonsil might have been, and temporarily transforming the box with the ducklings into a waterproof container, Naruto powered up a rasengan and slammed it into the area.

As soon as she broke through, water came gushing through the hole, shoving both shinobi backward slightly from the force, and began filling the cavern rapidly. Just before it filled completely, the two jounin took a deep breath and ducked under the water, swimming quickly toward the opening so that they wouldn't be taken down with the whale when it sank.

As soon as they were free from the artificial animal, they swiftly made their way toward the water's surface, which, judging from the way it stung their eyes, was the ocean. When they emerged, both climbed up to sit on the water's surface and looked around to take note of their surroundings.

Currently, it was nighttime, so it seemed that they had been inside the whale for several hours. Also, they apparently had traveled quite the distance in that time, if Kakashi read the positions of the constellations correctly.

Squinting into the distance, he thought that he could see a land mass, which was to the North, so he nudged the blonde jounin and pointed toward it while saying, "We'll head in that direction for now, because I think I see land. If I'm wrong, we'll go from there."

"Okay," Naruto replied seriously, deferring to the older shinobi in the unknown situation.

With that they began to run in the direction of the land mass Kakashi had seen, Naruto now glad that they had conserved their chakra for the sprint. At one point, Naruto looked down, gasping as she watched a giant shark swim past under their swift feet.(5)

Whatever Kakashi had seen was getting larger as they approached, and both felt hope welling in their chests, unconsciously speeding their steps. A few hours later, they reached the shore, the sun just beginning to peak over the horizon.

Both were panting slightly as they slowed to a stop on the sandy beach, staring across the land they had reached in slight horror. Naruto dropped to her knees in the sand, the container with the ducklings still in her arms, before she cried, "Damn it!" and flopped the rest of the way onto the ground.

This was just not their day.

* * *

(1) I'm sorry! I couldn't resist! And yes, Naruto _was_ referring to Kakashi as a goose. Why? -shrugs- I don't know. As a note, there are five ducklings.

(2) Think about it- chakra powered flashlights. I mean, come on, they can make little slips of paper explode! Wouldn't it make sense that they could power a tiny little light-bulb? Also, it would save so much on the cost of batteries _and_ the flash lights could be, like, the size of a large button- a flat, portable disc that still has the power of a spotlight! It's ingenious! Ingenious, I tell you! -cackles madly-

(3) I have nothing against vegetarians, at all. Actually, I almost dated one, but a couple of days before our first date, a blizzard hit and I wasn't able to leave the house for several days. We never really spoke after that.

(4) Ditto as number 3.

(5) Having never been to the ocean, I have a deep rooted fear of deep water. Seriously, movies like Deep Blue Sea and Lake Placid completely ruined any hope of enjoyment from swimming in lakes and oceans for me. I'm always extremely paranoid when I do swim in lakes.


	4. Ocean of Sand

_A/N:__ Yes! Booyah! Finally, I'm done with this monster. This chapter raped my brain and left it for dead. This was originally just going to be a filler, but I managed to come up with something. I almost rewrote at one point, but I hate doing that, so I figured out a way to make what I had work. Now you have bad puns and clichés galore! Longest chapter yet, too- 9 pages! __And__ there is a bonus omake at the end because this is so late! I hope you guys enjoy!_

_Unbetaed._

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Naruto ©Masashi Kishimoto.

* * *

**Excuses Chapter 4: Ocean of Sand**

Naruto stopped in her tracks on the crest of a sand dune, tilting her head curiously as she stared at the horizon. "Ne, Kakashi-sensei?"

The silver-haired man paused and looked at the blonde jounin with a pensive, "Hm?"

Her eyes narrowed as she frowned in confusion, still staring off into the distance. "Is that a _mirage_?" she asked quizzically, angling her head a little more as if to find a new perspective.

Kakashi looked across the moonlit expanse of desert and, not spotting anything, gave the blonde a '_Have you lost your mind?'_ look. Feeling a bit disconcerted at being the one on the receiving end of that look for once, the blonde fidgeted and glared at the older man in annoyance.

"What?" she snapped, gesturing wildly with one arm in the direction that she had previously been staring. "I see something out there! I swear!"

Glancing once more in the direction the other jounin had indicated, Kakashi let out a sigh before saying, "Well, let's check it out; see if it's really there."

He took off at a brisk pace, ensuring that it was one where he wouldn't tire out quickly just in case whatever Naruto had seen was far away. The blonde followed after, swiftly catching up with him.

It was currently their second day, or rather night, in Wind Country. Seeing as they had been unceremoniously taken from their village without the necessary supplies for surviving the desert climate, both had decided to stick to traveling at night in order to reduce the necessity for water (of which they had little). During the day, they would either find shelter in sparse rock formations or bury themselves deep into the cooler sands in holes formed using doton jutsu, covering the mouth of their shelter with a thick canvas village-camouflage tarp that Naruto had had on her.

The ducklings themselves, seemed to be taking to drastic climate change rather well. About a day into their journey, Naruto had gotten it into her head to name them, and had ended up numbering them and consequently naming them after the five Hokage: Sho, Ni, San, Yon, and Go.

Kakashi privately thought that exposure was getting to the blonde.

Exposure to _what_ he couldn't quite decide.

Suddenly, the ground began to seep out from under them, causing both to stumble. Curling around the box, Naruto rolled haphazardly down the dune before she finally crashed into the side of something that sounded hollow. Wheezing slightly at the sound impact, she looked up to see Kakashi running down towards her, but next thing she knew something clamped tightly around her arms and torso, lifting her off the ground at an amazing rate. She struggled, but that only caused the rope raising her to swing wildly. Naruto was quickly hauled over the edge by unseen hands and unceremoniously dumped into what appeared to be the brig of a ship, where the wind was once again knocked out of her.

Blinking rapidly to try to clear her vision, she realized the futility of it as her sight continued to darken.

* * *

Kakashi cursed angrily as he watched the ship sail away. If he hadn't been so tired from traveling all night, he would have made a bid to try and catch the ship, but as it was he didn't have enough chakra to make a sprint like that. He observed as it made way towards the lightening sky on the horizon when something caught his eye.

There, in the distance and ironically the same spot that Naruto had pointed out, was the silhouette of a ship.

Figuring that it was his best chance for catching up, Kakashi ran in that direction as fast as would be allowed.

* * *

_Hours later:_

Naruto sighed and banged the back of her head lightly against the pole she was currently tied to. Resisting the urge to fidget, as she was in a distressing state of falling _out_ of her dress if she moved too much (this being her own opinion of the revealing outfit she'd been stuffed into while unconscious), she tilted her head to look at her kidnapper. He was currently standing at the wheel of the ship, conducting the affairs of his ship from afar- almost literally as the case may be.

"Oi, Kankurou!" No response, the man too busy pulling his puppet's strings so that they would continue to run the ship. Taking a deep breath, Naruto decided to try again. "Hey, dumbass!" She almost burst out laughing at how fast he turned to face her.

"What!? I'm busy, damn it!" He replied angrily.

"What the fuck's wrong with you?" She asked loudly, "What's with the getup?"

"I don't _know_! What _is_ with this getup? I just woke up this morning on this ship and couldn't leave! Every time I tried to step off the ship, I'd just wind up right back on it. I decided I'd try to sail this thing to Suna and hopefully get some help." Kakurou explained, fingers on one hand pulling off an intricate dance to control the puppets as he steered the ship through the sand with the other.

_Huh, a man that can multi-task._

"Well, why the hell did you kidnap me? I was doing quite fine, thank you!" A twitch was beginning to form in her right eye, before a realization struck her, "And where the hell are my ducks!?"

"I didn't kidnap you! You were already here! And your ducks are right behind you." Kankurou scoffed, and she leaned as gingerly as she could around the pole, seeing that the box was tied to the other side.

"Oh, so you couldn't have untied me, maybe? Perhaps found me a change of clothes?" When she turned around to look at him again, she found herself the object of an intense gaze- one that was lower than it should have been. "Hey!" she yelped, face flushing in embarrassment and indignation. "Eyes on my face, please! _Eyes-on-face_!"

Kankurou gave her a lecherous grin and Naruto was reminded uncomfortably of Jiraiya. "What? And miss the view?" he leered.

Naruto gasped and began to struggle in earnest against her bindings, not caring about exposure in the least as she screamed, "Oh, I am _so_ going to kick your ass, Kankurou! And _then _I'm going to tell Temari and Gaara and let _them_ deal with you-" Her mouth snapped shut when his eyes darted to the horizon, his face paling.

"Oh, _shit_." He said in dread.

He began scrambling around, dropping the anchor and piling the puppet crew into the brig of the ship as Naruto watched on anxiously.

"What's going on?" She asked nervously, "What're you doing?"

"No time!" Kankurou replied, running over to her and cutting her loose. "In the ship! Now!" He ordered, ushering her in the direction of the captain's quarters.

"What-" Naruto cut her question off abruptly as she caught sight of the horizon, or rather, the ominously roiling cloud of sand bearing down on the ship. With a yelp of surprise, she swiftly snatched up the box containing her ducklings and ran into the ship, Kankurou quick on her heels.

Bare minutes later, the ship was hit with gale force winds, causing it to tip over dangerously, forcing both jounin to stick to their current surfaces with chakra lest they be sent flying. They could hear the sand hitting the shell of the ship, as the minutiae pieces of rock began to sand it smooth.

"_Fuck_," Kankurou said feelingly, turning a little green.

* * *

"Oi, hoist the mainsails and man the nest." Kakashi drawled, hair blowing in the wind from where he stood at helm of the ship. "We've got a ship to catch." The crew barked affirmatives from their posts and soon the ship was moving, gliding across the dips and swells of each pale crest of the ocean of sand. On his shoulder, Pakkun was dozing, twitching occasionally and drooling all over Kakashi's jacket.

His eyes lazily scanned the hazy blue horizon of early morning, searching for a sign of their quarry.

Overhead, the Henohenomoheji snapped cheerily in the wind.

A few hours later, Kakashi managed to spot his quarry just as it was engulfed by the rolling wave of sand. "Pakkun!" he called idly, looking at his first mate, "Storm on the horizon! Tell the crew to lower the sails, drop the anchor and take cover." He sighed at his next thought, "We'll have to wait this out."

Pakkun began barking orders and the crew scrambled to follow, though apparently not fast enough as Kakashi shouted, "Get your feet moving, you scurvy dogs!" All bodies paused to stare at the silver-haired man, before several whines broke out from the ningen. "What are you staring for!? Move, move, move!" he rejoined.

* * *

By the time the wind finally began to die down, Naruto was just about ready to strangle Kankurou.

"So," he leered at her for what was approximately the twentieth time in an hour, "just _where_ did you get that dress? You never struck me as _that_ type."

Fed up, Naruto growled low in her throat and chucked a fallen candle holder at the man, causing him to yelp as he ducked the projectile. "I'm _not_, asshole." she ground out, giving him a burning glare.

Considering her glares could be on par with Gaara's, Kankurou let out a small '_eep!_' and let the subject matter drop.

* * *

The storm had passed and finally Kakashi could move on to getting Naruto back from whomever had taken her. It was around midday, now, and the sun was bearing hotly down on their heads, causing the working ninken to pant heavily drinking water greedily when given the chance.

The ship was moving full speed with the occasional tailwind from the storm rocking the ship. However, they caused their own problems as one such tailwind caught one of the sails, sending it careening into one of the crew and knocking him off the ship. The ninken yelped as he fell overboard and Kakashi called out, "Man overboard!" He sauntered to the rail, just in time to see the dog land head first with a soft '_fwump_' and a cloud of dust.

Sighing and resisting the urge to slap his forehead, Kakashi watched as the summoned dog disappeared from the sand in a cloud of smoke.

Kami, this was such a trying day.

It was right about then that the small form of another ship on the horizon caught his eye, and Kakashi quickly pulled out his telescope to peer out at the other vessel. A flash of blonde caught his eye and he grinned wolfishly in triumph under his mask. They've finally started to catch up with their target.

"Target sighted!" he cried out and the crew picked up their pace, scurrying back and forth across the deck.

They began to pull up alongside the other ship, the thunderous roar of both vessels passing across the sand causing the air to vibrate with energy. Excitement peaked, adrenaline rushing through their veins as the confrontation became imminent.

Grappling hooks were launched towards the enemy ship, causing them to be tied together. Once they were close enough, Kakashi took a running leap off of the railing, flinging himself onto the other's deck.

"Naruto!" he called out, trying to spot her through the mass of wood and metal, as the puppets scurried around on the deck.

There was a cry of surprise somewhere to his right, before there was an answering, "Kakashi!"

Forcing his way through the tangle of deadly wooden dolls, he finally managed to spot the blonde jounin. As he got his first good view, his first thought-

_Where did she get that dress?_

-was eclipsed by the fact that she had a very disgruntled expression on her face, caused by the fact that she was currently tied hand and foot by chakra wire. Not spotting the culprit anywhere, Kakashi cautiously made his way toward the blonde, wary of a trap. He crouched next to the kneeling Naruto, cutting her bonds while keeping an eye out for an ambush.

"Well now, Naruto," he drawled once she was free, "just how did you get in this position?"

Grumbling, she replied, "I tried to gouge Kankurou's eyes out, because he wouldn't stop staring at me."

"Kankurou? Where is he?"

Shrugging, she turned to him, giving him a once over. "What's with the getup?"

He sighed, "It's a long story, involving an ancient tradition, giant sand turtles and a tribe of nomadic sand sailors."

"Giant sand turtles?" She sounded distinctly lost.

"Yeah, look." He pointed off to one side of the ship. Naruto watched curiously, not seeing a thing. At least, that was until one of the dunes seemed to start shaking, raising higher and higher until, in a shower of sand, she realized that the dune _was _a turtle.

"Whoa," she said in awe, studying the enormous creature as the drifted away from it.

"The ships probably startled it." Kakashi mused, also watching the animal. A sudden nasty crunching noise reported through the air and the ship jerked, almost throwing them off balance. "Well, time to go!" Kakashi said cheerfully, grabbing Naruto by the arm.

"But-," she tried to protest, but the ship gave another shiver and Kakashi ignored her.

"Abandon ship!" another voice called out, and they both turned to see Kankurou running towards them. "We've hit some rock formations, and you need to go!"

"What about you!?" Naruto asked in alarm.

"And abandon my puppets?" Kakurou asked in incredulity. "I think not! Now go!" He shooed them off of the ship.

Seeing that there was no way that she was going to be able to protest, Naruto growled back at him, "You better take care of my ducks, bastard!" Following Kakashi's lead, she leapt to the other ship.

The lines tying the boats together were quickly cut, and Kakashi and Naruto sat at the rail, watching the other ship fall back, swaying and swerving as the smashed hull caught and dragged on the sand. Suddenly, the ship slowed almost to a stop, the back end fishtailing wildly, and with a great groan, the ship rolled onto one side, embedding itself into a dune.

"I hope Kankurou's alright." Naruto said worriedly, watching dust settle around the carnage as their own ship sped away.

"He's an experienced jounin, I'm sure he's alright." Kakashi replied, turning to look up at the sky, noting at the sun's position. Pulling out a telescope, he began to peer around, taking note of different landmarks and comparing them to the mental map in his head. The ground seemed to be getting rockier, the loose sand giving way to arid hills. A small splotch of green to one side caught his eye, and he turned the ship in it's direction. "I see some kind of greenery, so were going to head towards it. Hopefully we can get some food; it's been a while since we've eaten."

Naruto blushed in embarrassment as her stomach grumbled in agreement.

* * *

A few hours later, everyone was hot and more than ready to get out from the sweltering sun. Naruto had managed to find a change of clothes, the large loose tunic she wore helping to keep her a bit cooler than the dress did. She wore a sash around her waist to keep the shirt from billowing and her hair had been pinned up with some spare senbon lying in one of the rooms.

As they had crept closer toward the green, the ground had continued to flatten out, becoming a sparse grass plains. The green area itself seemed to be the edge of a forest.

When the ship could go no further, they dropped anchor, and after dismissing the ningen, Naruto and Kakashi filled a couple of sacks with supplies from the ship, Naruto stuffing the dress she had been wearing at the bottom of her own bag.

"Just in case I need a change of clothes," she said in response to Kakashi's questioning look.

With that, they jumped over the railing, abandoning the ship for whoever might pass by. Without a backwards glance, they marched into the meager edge of the forest, quickly making their way deeper into the thickening jungle.

* * *

**Omake:**

Gaara and Temari stared at the dusty, bedraggled form of their brother. Kankurou for his part, was slouching tiredly on the couch in the Kazekage's office, head tilted back with his eyes closed in exhaustion. On the seat next to him was a rather nondescript box.

"You know," Temari began, "if we hadn't received reports of someone kidnapping you, we would have thought that you decided to become a nuke-nin." She gave him another speculative look. "Where the hell have you been?" she finally demanded.

"Kami-sama," Kankurou groaned. "It's a long story, and I'm still not sure you'll believe me. Either way, I'm too tired to tell you."

"Explain, Kankurou," Gaara ordered, unsympathetic of his older brother's plight.

Kakurou finally opened his eyes, giving the Kazekage a unhappy look. Standing abruptly, he shoved the box into his sister's arms, and said grumpily, "Here, take care of these. They're Uzumaki's, so I'm sure she'll be wanting them back."

That prompted a similarly surprised response from both his siblings:

"Uzumaki?"

"Naruto?"

Stumping to the door, he bluntly said, "I'm going to clean up and go to bed. Goodnight." With that he left, completely ignoring his sibling's questions.

"He saw Uzumaki?" Temari asked after he had left.

"Apparently."

Glancing curiously at the box, the blonde mused to herself, "Huh, I wonder what's in here." Opening the flaps, she looked puzzled at the contents. "Why does she have ducks?"

Gaara could not find an answer.

* * *

_Closing A/N: I really didn't know what I was going to do for this chapter, so it took me a while to come up with an idea. One finally came to me when my beta and I were going through devArt looking for Naruto fanart and she found a picture of pirate!Kakashi. Still, Kakashi apparently didn't want to be a pirate (pirate/ninja rivalry, you know?) so he was being a down right bastard. Finally managed to beat him into submission. So tired…_

_Someone should write a side story where Kakashi gets his ship in this chapter. I'm too lazy to do so._


	5. Amazon

_A/N:__ Yes, this _is_ what you think it is! An update! -gasp- Finally! This story is still alive!  
_

_**Warnings:** _Standard rates still apply.

* * *

  


**Chapter 4: Amazon**

The rain forests of Rain country were very wet and hot; Naruto would have been having flashbacks to the time in the whale's stomach, if it weren't for the fact that the forests had the added bonus of having mosquitoes too- very large and annoying mosquitoes that should be labeled as monsters more than insects.

The back of her neck was beginning to sting from all of the times she had had to slap it to scare the buggers off, and she had to resist the urge to scratch the itchy bites. The blonde glanced at her companion, fuming silently at the fact that he wasn't having the same problem: the mask he wore covered his neck up to his hairline and apart from his single eye, he was showing very little flesh.

A loud mosquito suddenly whizzed by her ear, and she swatted at it in absentmindedness. The sound of a body hitting the ground behind Naruto, however, caught her attention and she spun around only to find…

…Kakashi was gone.

* * *

Fuck.

No wonder Naruto was so pissed after the ship debacle in Wind Country- waking up in random places after being knocked out was about as much fun as eating your own toes. Though, Kakashi had to admit that, being an Elite Ninja and all, he really should be used to this sort of thing.

Of course, waking up in a small cage hung from the ceiling, wearing nothing but a loincloth and his mask, with over a dozen very… _masculine_ women staring at him like a piece of meat really took the cake.

Especially when, hanging in more cages surrounding him, were most of the male members of Akatsuki who, much to his dismay, were in similar states of undress.

"Welcome to the club, yeah!" The blonde hanging next to him greeted.

* * *

Naruto fought off the third clinging vine she'd run into, its sticky filaments curling around her arms and legs in an overly _friendly_ manner.

"Damn it all!" Naruto cursed. "Why does everything in this damn place have to be deadly and/or poisonous?"

In the midst of fighting foliage, choking in the cloying climate, or preventing her premature passing from predators and poison, Naruto had lost Kakashi's trail.

Not that the trail had been easy to spot in the first place- following the trail of a group of monkeys was difficult, particularly in a forest full of them.

_Is this what Kakashi had to go through to find me in Wind?_ she thought absently, most of her thought processes on hacking at a large snake that had just dropped on her from the surrounding canopy.

She really should feel more grateful to him… mentally shrugging, she thought, _At least I'm paying him back, the lazy bastard._

* * *

"So…" Kakashi began, trying to look anywhere but at Kakuzu or Zetsu. "How'd you wind up here?"

"One of our teammates, Konan, yeah. She allied with the Amazons in exchange for us becoming _breeding material_, yeah." Deidara confided.

"Damn bitch," Hidan cursed. "Making us participate in this heathen custom. Worse yet, Pain doesn't have to participate because Konan _worships_ him."

"I don't know why you're complaining, Hidan," Sasori criticized. "She does this every year."

"Maybe because I'm not the one who won't get laid otherwise, dumbass." The platinum blonde commented.

"Hey!" Several of the other members cried.

"Kisame!" Deidara called suddenly. "It's that girl who's got a thing for you, yeah!" He pointed to a nearby doorway.

Catcalls and wolf whistles came from the more vocal of the Akatsuki, before Hidan cajoled, "You two should get married, already! I've got a license!"

"Who'd want _you_ to marry them!?" Kisame cried, his hand groping air as though looking for the handle of his Samehada.

Raucous noise broke out, and Kakashi was left a little speechless.

"Personally," commented a low voice from Kakashi's left, and he turned to find the dark eyes of Uchiha Itachi gazing solemnly at him. "At this moment, I would prefer to switch places with my brother than be here. It is unfortunate that you were involved Kakashi-san."

"Is it that bad?" Kakashi asked.

"Yes," Itachi confirmed.

"Uh…" Kakashi couldn't really think of anything to say. "How did _you _get involved?"

"You are familiar with The Curse. Certain… experts believe that it has mutated. No longer is it confined to one person per village, but is instead spreading, striking the strongest shinobi first." Itachi claimed.

"I… see…" Well, that wasn't good.

Not good at all.

"So," Kakashi began, "any chance of escape?"

* * *

"Okay, okay," Naruto interrupted the chattering witchdoctor. "Try that again. This time, _not_ in gibberish, please."

They'd been going at this for two hours, now, ever since Naruto had wandered into the village. As far as she could tell, the man was trying to somehow get her to marry his eldest son, who was village chieftain or something; Naruto had quickly disabused him of that notion, before steering him in the direction of where she might find Kakashi.

The old man's feathery headdress rustled as he shook his head, before he leaned forward slowly, almost conspiratorially, and Naruto found herself leaning forward as well. They were close enough to whisper, when out of the blue the old man head-butt her.

Reeling back with a cry, Naruto cupped a hand to her abused forehead and proceeded to give the old man a dark glare.

"You are not listening!" He chided her. "Taken by the Amazons the man was. You must fight for him in a battle to the death!"

That was still as incomprehensible as the last three times he'd said it.

So, Naruto decided to gape at him.

Apparently, the old man wasn't finished. "And once you have won, he will be your love slave!" He paused to give Naruto a once over. "If I were forty years younger…"

_Ew! Grossgrossgross…_ Naruto's mind ranted at the thought of _that_, and she had to resist the urge to stand up and throw a fit to demonstrate her disgust.

Instead, she cleared her throat pointedly, and gave him a stare.

The old man sighed. "Very well." Pointing an imperious finger, he solemnly intoned. "You must go that way, through the dense forest…"

Naruto leaned forward in anticipation.

"Past the Babbling Brook."

She paused in confusion.

"Over the Hills of Happiness."

Her mouth dropped open.

"And through the Golden Glade to reach the Amazonian fortress."

"Wait, wait, wait…" Naruto protested, waving her hands frantically. "Are there no 'Forests of Screaming Death?' No giant pits of molten hot magma, or rivers of acid?"

"No. What do you take us for? Masochists?"

"Oh."

* * *

They watched as the Amazons set up the arena.

It was rather sizeable, considering the number of women working on it was rather small. Absently, Kakashi kicked his feet as they dangled in the air, listening to his 'companions' pass the time.

"Go fish!" Deidara declared gleefully. "You know, for a shark-man you _really_ suck at this game, Kisame. I thought Go Fish was _invented_ in Kiri- you're doing the name of your home village a huge disgrace, yeah."

"Says the guy who doesn't even know how to play Pick Up Sticks."

Deidara snorted at the retort. "Pick Up Sticks is a pansy ass Konoha game, yeah. I could _so_ kick your ass at Marbles."

The sudden wave of killing intent from the two ninja from Leaf Village halted their easy banter, and both turned to see Kakashi and Itachi giving them acidic glares.

"Kakashi-san," Itachi said calmly, "apparently, they haven't realized the true grace of Pick Up Sticks. We shall have to reeducate them."

"Agreed," Kakashi replied, with a scarily cheerful smile.

--

It wasn't long before Naruto realized the _true _reason why the places didn't need scary, indomitable names- while the obstacles were easy to traverse, that didn't stop them from scaring the _holy hell_ out of the blonde.

Naruto had been screaming her head off for the past five minutes, from the second she'd stepped on to the grassy plane of the Hills of Happiness. Not only was everyone so _ungodly_ cheerful, but the smiles... the _smiles_... Had there been ravening monsters and soul devouring demons nipping at her heels, Naruto would not have been nearly as afraid. Hell, she's faced soul-devouring demons.

But these, these _things_... it was worse than that time when Gai and Lee decided they wanted to have a 70's themed bathing suit contest, complete with afros, speedos, and fake chest hair...

An eerily familiar laugh reached her ears, and Naruto froze, screams cut off as all the air left her lungs. Turning her head, the Konoha jounin froze like a rabbit in the eyes of a wolf when she spotted more forest dwellers. Their heads turned slowly, rotating almost completely around on the neck so that they could grin merrily at her; Naruto felt like she was about to be devoured.

"Oh hell, they're _spawning_," she practically sobbed, and fled.

* * *

There was a commotion among the Amazons, and a split second later, someone was swinging from Kakashi's cage, before climbing up and grabbing wildly at the silver-haired man's arm. A quick glance confirmed the identity of his assailant as a maniacally babbling Naruto.

"Comeoncomeon_comeon_, we have to _go_!" She seemed to be ignoring the presence of the Akatsuki around them completely, focusing instead on trying to free Kakashi from the confines.

There was a sudden scuffle as several of the Amazons leapt onto the screeching blonde, tearing her away from the bars and dragged her out of sight.

"_So_," someone drawled, "who wants another round of Janken?"

* * *

Naruto glowered at the others around her, sizing up the competition even as she sulked at being forced to participate in this ceremony in order to rescue her former sensei.

Truthfully, fighting for the right to court someone wasn't that unusual among shinobi- it was just that, normally, the fighting happened between the _men_, not the women. Sakura and Ino, as well as their former academy class, were a marked exception among the community for their rivalry over Sasuke during their genin days- though, apparently, it wasn't only Sasuke who wound up as an exception to the prize rule.

Surprisingly, there were a large number of kunoichi from several villages, most of them Rain, and about half of them were gunning for Konoha's very own Copy Ninja. And, Naruto would have to fight every last one of them...

_Joy._

* * *

Watching the women battle it out was an amusing spectator sport, because really, they played _dirty_.

Hair pulling, scratching, biting... you name it, they did it; of course, it was a bit more dangerous than that since some of them had serrated teeth or used neko-te for claws as they went for the eyes. Slowly but surely, the more powerful dominated until only two were left- and his pride swelled a bit when he noticed one was Naruto.

The other, unfortunately, was Konan of Rain herself.

"Hah!" he heard Naruto proclaim in triumph. "Bring it on, Origami Bitch. What are you going to do, paper cut me to death?"

* * *

"_Owowowow_," Naruto hissed, flinching away as the tiny cuts covering her body stung in the humid air of the forest, even as salty sweat from her battle seeped into the lacerations, causing them to burn. "_Fuck_."

"At least you won," Kakashi mused, watching her without any sympathy whatsoever.

The blonde cracked an eye open, slit blue glaring at him darkly. "You better be grateful, you bastard." she growled.

"Maa," Kakashi replied, placing a hand on his chin as he tilted he head back in mock thought. "I don't know, some of those girls were-" He was force to jump back when Naruto made an abrupt movement to take his loincloth. "Really, Naruto, I had no idea you were so jealous... or eager! But really, we should wait until those wounds close- wouldn't be as much fun otherwise."

Naruto snarled and turned away. "See if you get your clothes back, asshole." The man really had no idea of the... _torture_ she had gone through to find him. She shuddered at the thought. Facing him again, she asked thoughtfully, "You think they'd let me trade you? Itachi is a pretty hot piece of man-meat and I don't doubt he'd be more grateful than you are..."

Kakashi grimaced at the thought. "Never mind, never mind. Let's just get going before they come back for more."


End file.
